Said the shotgun...

After swimming through the river
caught a few leeches and a bad shiver
thought that the water, so cold
would help me be so bold
but no, all i do now is quiver

its like the thoughts that race around my head
that fever, that sense of dread
My mind leaping over the tops of trees
spreading my internal disease
its these words i want to shed

Its me, the river and the trees
the birds and the bees
the xo's and the skeez
everything, interconnected
everything, disconnected
yet even the river seems misdirected

scatterbrained, like a shotgun put to the head
and it said, never think your better off dead
I know im an instrument of death and deviance
but theres wisdom in my black barrel, but even this is,
pointless i tell you, quit all your whining suicidal
live in this moment I give to you, waves tidal
Must wash over you, this moment is so vital
just like every other moment i give
all i want you to do is live

And so i kick my feet, keep my head above the water
shotgun, long gone, preemptive slaughter
thinking of the days that have passed
and how it compares and contrasts
as the earth gets hotter and hotter

Under the infulence of alcohol: please excuse

I got 16 bars to heal these scars
And its not as extensional as the stars
You wanna mess with me
Wanna get down
Well ill tell you whats up
Its that i tear you down
You know my love is cancer
So i don't need to explain myself
not to that girl, her self
Im just running dry
Coping on the opiates, myself
It's like i can't forget about your name
just a whore to me, but it makes no difference all the same
I wish i could pretend that i never had a game
but you know i play this every single day
so i call you on the phone
alcohol loosing my lips
when all i want is a single kiss
your lips my lips, electric is what it is
And i can't help but feel a little ashamed
cause my boys are telling me, don't back that game
But thats half the fun, you always were
forbidden love, i tell em shes my girl
And when I'm with her im on top of the world
so maybe one day ill let my guard down
pretend I'm not so g, not so hard now
and we'll get a little house some where by the beach
where those arms don't reach
and that where ill teach
you the ways of love
shit i learned from up above
Things you didn't even knew i know
There is the place that we will grow
and i cant even remember these lines
I'm just spitten em out in the best time
so you know its all the straight from the heart
No matter neither
With you is the place i want to be,
If not, you know ill be the griever

I don't know how you didn't see when you met me
That my eyes burn green, constantly, with envy
so restless, you know i could never just let it be

You act like I don't know the color of my words, black
Like a Ginsu knife, guaranteed to cut you or your money back
And yet i wonder why you give me flack

From a young age i was brought up
Never let one hurt me
so i get caught up
In always making sure i get you back
for that minor flesh wound, or a little smack

This is all related to the paper stacks
The cocaine, loose change and gun racks
This is why i never hold back

It's a shame i pray to nothing
I guess myself, but i show no mercy
And that might be the saddest thing that i've lost faith
but i promise you it wont be over till im in the grave

Sometimes i just sit and watch the rain
Sit back and reflect on all this pain
Think about what i have left to gain
Thinking id just be better off slain

But i wont die easy, i wont die fast
I always try to make this bullshit last
always treating death like an outcast
made living out of being asked...

stupid questions
motives, no meaning
wines got me leaning
but no depressants can stop me from dreaming

I feel like an animal inside a cage
Throwing life away
but still filled with so much rage

and yet I'm looked too like i have an answer
your looking in the wrong place, blood
don't you know my love is like a cancer?

Ill slowly eat away at you
but you'll never know your dying
one by one those mutant cells are multiplying

so don't look to me, like I'm gonna fulfill your dreams
I'm just trying to stay alive, and not act too mean
its not that i don't wanna be what you think
its just too high of expectations
I'm always on the brink

of taking my own life, or maybe someone else's
its almost sad, i feel so helpless
but it's nothing new, to me or anyone
paranoid, theres never that someone

So this is the end, but not of life
ill drag that on and on, too scared of the knife
living of fear and maybe adrenaline
a taste of that sweet shit, heroin

and thats how ill get by
day by day
just don't look to me like i'm gonna say...

what you wanna hear

Tumor for a Scar

Sometimes i think i live in a world of delusions
But im a simple man who seeks truth
Or maybe just tears apart my old revelations
I know three things now were a lie
The funny thing is the one person who it matters to
never listens, always assumes their own conclusions are best
Despite what they say. Is it hypocracy? Its impossible to tell
People are best left alone in their own heads
Despite how i love to take ice picks to skulls and drill some truth in
But they never listen
They dont want to listen
They want the happiest truth there is
And really, what better medicine is there than the faith healer
But the faith healer only does what you can already do yourself
Except you eliminate yourself as the opting force

Its that self that refuses to die, too many starved revelations and changing brain chemistry
Not even narcotic, though had i not written this line it what you would have assumed

Self fulfilling prophecy is ironically not caused by your own thoughts

Look at what you transmit, telegraph and tell me your counterpoint lies dont sent that message

I should have been done with this years ago, but i suppose it will never go
And dont pretend that im sad, i say this only tired, as we all get in the evening
Just after a day of coping with deadlines and others and thankless work, that we can still come home with a smile on our face, just tired

take care of yourself 7 days a week? impossible, i need a break from my own seriousness
I like everything to be serious
Why else would i joke all the time

So ill take a tumor in place of a scar, easier to hide, but i know thats not the way it would be if my narcissistic ego superseded.