Wednesday, December 07, 2005

New Layout

Ive been thinking about the emotion sadness/depression, its a very queer emotion. It seems to me that sadness/depression's only purpose is to block you from doing what you need to do.
It makes sense when its associated with tragedy, but tragedy doesnt happen all that often

It seems like now more than ever, im coming to terms with my actions, growing up maybe? Is that what growing up is? realizing that everything you do effects who you are, and then putting your mistakes behind you? Its rough, i want to tell everyone FORGIVE ME i can change! and at the same time know i am not deserving of such things. But its a viscious cycle, why stop doing drugs, when everyone else only assumes that you are going to continue to use drugs, of course at the same time why should they believe you this time? youve done nothing to prove otherwise. It seems like theres no alternative out of these types of situations. Its not like drugs are the problem for me anymore, i just think it makes the most clear analogy.

That incident with cocaine really helped shape my thinking though, its like i finally got closure on that issue in my life. No, i take that back, I DID finally get closure on the issue of cocaine and my life. Its no longer a "demon" that haunts and taunts me, just another problem in my past, but its created who I am, and who I will be, and if i do things right, who my children will be.

Im starting to not be controlled so much by my emotions anymore, its good, but confusing, because i will be thinking one way and feeling the completely opposite way, but i guess its always been that way, just the power has shifted.

We had this debate once in english about what innocence was, and what it meant to lose that innocence, and what came up was, being innocent was just acting because its what you know and feel, from the surroundings your in and what little your parents have taught you. You lose that innocence when you begin to realize that what you percieve is not always what it is, and you choose your path. Thats kind of a queer definition now that i reread it. It makes sense, but at the same time doesnt.

My dad used to give me alot of advice, alot that i didnt listen to, and now of course im starting on the point in my life where i realize that most of what he said is dead on the money, but a couple of the statements stood out above the rest, one of which was "You dont know anything untill your 40." I have 21 more years to see if that ones true, but based on his last few bits of advice that i have found i SHOULD have taken, im guessing it will come out right too.

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