*sigh*

Its just one of those nights when your constitution is worn down

Whole time im thinking and remeber those old days and cant help think. What if im wrong, or rather what if im right, and im not bipolar, and what if my new found values are wrong.

ahh, its only these nights, most of the time im infinitly happier... i think

Its impossible to know if im better or worse. Or at least for myself to judge. I can see it in other peoples eyes, they want the old me back, they want the good-on-his-luck always got a story to tell fucked up out of his mind person back. Of course its always covered with a quick your better this way. I guess its better to be this way, but it makes it so much harder when everyone else says its better this way while they do the complete opposite, hypocracy is human nature, but that just leads me back to Why am i not capable of doing what they do? or Am i? Fucking christ its so damn complicated yet it seems so simple. Simply enough I'm not pretentious enough to say "Oh i dont do drugs, or drink, or smoke, or drink coffee, or have frivilous sex" and be proud of it. The whole damn time im thinking dear god i want to be back in that.

Its just tonight, its nights like these that make it hard, make me question what i know to be true. Its nights like these that only prove to myself, 1, how much more i have to prove and 2, how strong ive really become.

The old me, always ended nights like these with an entry, with signifigantly more spelling errors, and a hell of alot more selfishness, usually whining about something he doesn't have

But i have everything, sometimes i just forget that, and think only of the things i want
Its human
But it doesnt have to be that way


I got a long way to go