oldddddddd

She was nineteen. At nineteen years old the joy is so oppressive that one sometimes cannot distinguish between the tears of happiness and tears of acknowledgement. Acknowledging that the final teenage years are over for her. She weeps quietly for the pre-mature death of her young twenties as well, those years that are supposed to be filled with the strange combination of responsibility with at the same time a new found freedom. It’s almost impossible to distinguish which if the tears are which as she holds her hope and oppression in her hands.
Some people never understand how so much hope and love and at the same time oppression and hatred can exist in one entity.
The ride home from the hospital is the scariest car ride she has ever taken. The carefree smug driving of her lover and fiancé, the same carefree and smug attitude that once attracted her to him now is a threat to her new precious Faith. The questions in her mind are almost intolerable.
Her Faith grows. She takes her fathers eyes and her mothers tongue. She takes her fathers shoelace and puts it in her mouth. She takes a winning smile, a smile that could melt your heart and a laugh of pure unadulterated joy and curiosity from nothing. The nothing is the distance that has grown between her eyes and her mouth as she ages. The questions of the car ride home have only grown into paradoxes. Distorted drunken logic magnifies the paradox until it becomes all-consuming. Finally, consumed with the logic that was bequeathed to him by his father, her lover leaves.
Now the hope has turned into faith, as fear gives way to hope. Faith assumes her namesake completely now.
It is never easy to hold a job when you are distracted. She was often distracted. Those who had never seen what it was like inside a life couldn’t understand would blame her and her alone. They never met her mother. They never saw her father. They never look beyond what their eyes tell them and assume that she is the stereotype played out to the masses on special reports at ten. It is the strength of faith that can never be conveyed on those horrid manipulative special reports at ten.
Her Faith continues to grow, truly with all the blessings a mother can provide.
The questions start to come to Faith as they come to all children, but with a mother who was never certain, only worked with what she was given, what answers could ever come to her child? The cycle continues. She sees the cycle continue in her daughter. She cries again this time you can see each clearly as it spells frustration on the carpet, spotted with ash stains of the past 14 years. A mother’s warning goes unheard, a thousand nights, and a thousand mothers. Only one speaks the truth, though all the mothers preach the same warning.
Her faith wavers as her Faith strides chemically confident, she knows all, she understands all, she has seen her mother, and her mother has seen all, though phallic logic, she has seen all and walks chemically confident without fear. A boy drives next to her, smiling a carefree smug smile, driving slowly not bothering to turn down the music to speak with her. Her Faith is so strong she can sit comfortably in his passenger seat and never see or hear what is really said when he declares what he wants. He wants her Faith, and though her faith is strong that she knows all she is afraid. He has no time for fear and shows a chemically confident little girl, still a baby in the eyes of those that know her, why her mother was the only one who spoke truth that night.
Her Faith returns to her, confused and scared, never wanting to know the answer to the question that was still fresh in her mind. Together they stand in unity for the first time since her last laugh of curiosity. The black of Faith’s mascara swirls onto her mothers pale skin.