Object Permanence

I drove and drove and drove
and never went anywhere
circular logic for cycles of emotion
its too easy too get too depressed at this stage

No poetry, no prose, its time for just a straightforward with yourself. You have all this self-loathing and you thing thats going to redeem you, like someone can see WOW he really hates himself, that means hes a decent person, no, a decent person doesnt do that in the first place

but wait it was a mistke? doesnt everyone make mistakes? or do decent people just not make mistakes

damn my honesty

damn all this fucking hate

damn now, being the time we need to acually see each other, and being 200 miles apart, the distance isnt hard, id drive it everyday, unfortantly somepoint id flunk out of school, and have spent all my money on gas

but ill tell you whats going to happen, without me, without the connection whose range has fallen due to a series of unforseen consquence, and believe me, they were unforseen, things are going to fall about, doubt it going to rise and for fucks sake i cant even lend my voice to drain some of it away, everyone fucking hates me in my homeland so i drove north, i found the new feilds unsuitable for tilling and now im fucking homeless

mostly i want an answer for myself, and i dont think ill be able to give myself one, and thus returns the self-loathing, goddamn, no less than 7 hours ago i felt redeemed, as if it anything were possible as if forgivness, the truest form of love had reigned, and yet here im am with it all seeming to amount to a little more than a handfull of salt. I know in my head that these cycles will lengthen out, making them easier to cope with, and eventually rid themselves and i can move it to the learning experience folder of my head, but this one isnt going as fast as all the others. from someone who doesnt "get" self mutilation i sure cut myself deep, im bleeding black, i think i knicked the liver, we'll know in 20 minutes

dissoance is the word of the day

sleep it seems will never come easy, not for now

i need to confess to someone, i need some unconditional love right now, i need to feel like i am still decent and worth loving, notions of god seem more realistic but ill be fucking damned if ill pray for myself, others sure, but i refuse to pray for myself

like a fucking relapsing alcoholic, it feels good to fail and be hated again, its comfortable, you dont have to expect much and you dont have to do anything, just know everyone around you sees you for what your labeled as, because lets be honest, you are what your labeled as. (Stop trying to fucking romance the situation, stop trying to rationalize, stop trying to understad, there is nothing to be sought in what you seek)














if she can never love me like she used to, is there a point? is this really forever? are mistakes forever and love temorary? if thats true theres no way in heaven you can keep me here in hell a second longer