Dopamine Hangover

Left so fast like a morning storm, thats gone before you wake
But left the streets still flooded, drowning your waking joy
Chemistry answers the questions in my mind
Providing me with an explanation to satisfy the vortex
But i thought somehow i was above this, beyond this
I thought we all, were above and beyond these dopamine answers
Never having taken my emotions for more than annoyances
Perhaps these latent answers are just voicing themselves loud enough
Tired of being left in the back of class with their hand raised
Still to me, seems somewhere south of childish
Punch drunk destruction rages, lymbically driven, mothers divison
This is my dissoance, this is my question, raised too many times before
But never in the clear voice of the heavens has it been spoken before
And so i revert back, to the start of all this, lapis lazul menagerie
Seeking for those to have the control i can never have myself
Still, 20 years later, looking for that lost sense of control
Memories spring forth, never met a junkie without control issues
But i know that is only the word haunting me, as it haunted me before
I slew that ghost, anxiety implosion, and i know now this is normalcy
Or these are the lies i use as antihistamines, secondary functions to a primary purpose
I thought as the literary allusions send a cold chill down my spine
That i was being reborn, through symbolism, but there is no rebirth
Only forgiving yourself, and deluding yourself
My rebirth showed my what started this all, marks tried to cover
Ended in vanity, illusions and obsessions, turned destructive
But there was no recourse then as there is no recourse now
Moving foward, awaiting the axe, this is no way to live
But id much rather die to pretend i didnt learn from my mistakes

And its as if with the rebirth i felt the phoenix inside me rise
Surfacing hate bubbling over causing a new red tide
That weight suddenly seems so much more capable to bare
And where does that leave you, me, anything or anyone