Straight

Theres a great many things i dont understand. I keep being reminded of Pat saying, theres an important reason you say shit like that, humans cant be held accountable for all their actions. Yet it seems ive made a lifelong habit of being accountable for all of mine. I feel the need to, its as if my honesty has been this compulsion to make sure everyone knows every mistake ive made, and that doesnt ever seem to work in my favor, but i view the opposite as lying. Perhaps that false front we all put up, and i try so hard to tear down is there for a reason, life is simply easier that way. Drugs confuse me alot too, alot of my current problems stem from two stubborn ideas i placed in my head with Mindy, never quit drugs because a girl tells you to, because he asking shows a lack of understanding, and that if you have to quit, there is something wrong with you. I refuse to quit because quitting is accepting that im a junkie, and ill be damned before i admit that again, I know its not true, it just relates back to the aformentioned, where i feel this need to confess all my problems, take all my punishment. Meagan troubles me more than anything. I feel like with her, that im in race, or rather at the starting line, and i know the prize is something i want, and theres people in the crowd who i need to impress, but thats another problem, but the gun fires and i have no idea which direction to run, and everyones yelling at me to go, but that doesnt help at all, like a child again, confused on the playing feild, feeling the impending shame because it seems so obvious to you after its all over, with dad standing over you telling you how dumb it was and how dissapointed he is in you. So fucking obvious after the fact, so confused then. I hate that she calls me weak, and i hate that she calls me selfish, i hate all the hypocracy in our relationship and i believe it is what drives me to do the dumb shit i do more than anything else. I really dont feel i do all that much wrong, i fucked up majorly once, but for the most part ive worked really fucking hard, to do everything i know to do to make a successfull relationship, and she claims to have all this pain and whatnot, but really ive been the glue thats held us together from the start. Im just troubled i suppose, it seems like with mindy, and with what i can tell, meagans ex's to her, that there were so many mistakes, and so much forgiveness, and so much forgetting, but now it never goes away, and not just her. I feel like my real selfish act is keeping her with me, i wonder sometimes, maybe it would be better for her not to be with me, but i think thats wrong because i spend so much effort trying to make her happy and for the most part being a good boyfriend, signifigantly better than those i see around me, except for tommy, with the exception of his clingyness and fear he was perfect. I admire Tommy for so many reasons i cant even count them all, he has such a great outlook on life most of the time, and his uses anger only when its appropriate and he just always seems to be polite and doing the right thing, and i want to be like that, but i guess thats not me, i dont know if im this troubled fucked up kid or if thats just what i want to be, all ive read about this semester in what seems like every class except literature is that you are what you think you are, and if you just think differently you will be so. Logically then it seems like i just dont think that way. Spending time admiring is not wasted, but i shant spend it wishing, i have my advantages, i think i do sometimes. I know i can love, and i know i can write, and i know i can be a good friend sometimes, but i really wish meagan would realize how unattractive i am, she seems to worry so much about other people wanting me or whatever and its just not the way it is, lord knows why she thinks im attractive, lord knows how we've stayed together this long. THIS IS NOT LIKE ME at all, to do what ive done for her, to be the first to apologize, to do all the things i do for her daily, without thought, that i would and have never done before, which is why i almost have to keep myself from laughing, but moreso from crying when she says i cant change, she doesnt even have a clue what the change is i did for her, the decision i made nearly 8 months ago when i told myself i wasnt going to fuck this one up. I kinda screwed that up, and who knows if this will work out, I REALLY have faith that we can make it if we make it till summer,. till we make it to when we can acually be together, and forget all this. Well have her forget it, i hope to never forget it, and i dont think i will, if anything, Meagan is the proof of that i learned my lessons from Mindy, because those mistakes i made with her i never made with Meagan, i suppose except for the broken promise, but that just leads to drugs which is a whole nother question. I think i play it up to much, on one hand i want to be this tortured junkie, on the other i want to be strong, but most of us are divided anyway. This is more therapeudic than poetry could ever dream to be, just straight talk with myself, the inner dialouge coming out on paper, or screen rather. The meditation today was so calming, and its been so long since ive done it, and i really need to do it again, because when i was mediating, i was calm, and when im not im just irrational, and unhappy and really unaccountable. That was what the lotus was all about, and i keep forgetting it, i keep thinking i need ot change it, but i dont need to change it, i need to remeber it, i dont need to change for meagan, i need to remeber what i have forgotten, and with that, im reminded because it feels like im back in the car, i knew which way to run, but when the pressure was put on, when i had people counting on me, i blanked, i always fail when people are counting on me, and i hate it so much, that self loathing, was there before any of this, and still is, i feel like alot of people are being torn between two poles, but are they as torn as i am? its impossible to tell, its impossible to tell anything, fuck, i bet right now, meagan is struggling to smile and be nice to some cunty customer, thinking of how horrible it feels to be fake...which brings me back, why i have to take all my mistakes, because it feels horrible to be fake, i guess some people can hack it, like how some people can cheat, and some people can steal, but i just cant do that shit. Like all good druggies i can experiment, but i cant be an addict, i dont have the amoral consitution, and so i need to quit treating myself like i dont. Somehow its all related back to when i was dealing i feel like, i was so fucking repressed, always hiding my motives, intentions, emotions, being hard, being tough no fear, no matter what, and no its like im an emotional mess, like all that institutionalization has come undone because i suppose im lucky to have never been institutionalized in a hard way. Always having to take a taste. Fuck me, i feel so exasperated, the anaology is so perfect, because it feels like i need to do something right now, but i havent for the life of me got any idea what it is, every turn looks so uninviting, normally id just go into self destruction here, i can feel it, but that part of me has been long repressed in the last month as much as school has made me question shit, the combination of school and the mistake has taught me how to control that self destruction which i am more greatfull for than anything else. But that could just be today, who fucking knows, i was so close to killing myself when i was dissociated, and no one even knows, but then again thats the nature of dissociatives, because to be fair i could never have even known. The worst feeling ever is the feeling that im being selfish by keeping Meagan, like with Mindy, that i just kept staying there, and things got worse and worse, because i couldnt man it up enough to hurt them. But who knows where that girl is, she could be miserable right now. Its going to be very intrestering to see how my metaphorical car ride turns out.