Thursday, January 26, 2006

Hypocracy is human natures

Your thrice the human i am

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I could tell by the torn track jacket she was into supreme beings of leisure
Probably a problem with men always trying to leave her
I was caught by suprise
When i saw those love sick eyes
And despite what i had seen
And all the signs of demise in her sighs
Our glances did unite
and ignite
And i knew id never be able to leave her

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Look Up

How long are you going to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. What good will being sad do for you? It certainly makes life easier doesn't it?

I mean we are given this amazing and beautiful world to explore, and were inately born with perfection.

But we set these limits for ourselves, and then we believe in these limits so strongly that we simply do nothing.

Perhaps someone has to realize the value of your life first, but i urge you to explore the value yourself. People think to themselves in such a melodramatic way

"Oh i dont care if i get into a car wreck, this life is boring and depressing anyway"

Try it sometime, so spend a few days fighting for your life, and youll really understand the value of yourself much better.

There isnt an afterlife, there isnt another shot, so why do so many people sit around and just be depressed about this one life they are given?

If its because you dont have what you want or what you deserve, you are a selfish bastard

Friday, January 13, 2006

Left standing in the garden

And sometimes i wonder, Why do i bother? Why do i do such favors when it is not returned?

Why do i love when the love is not returned? why do i bother, when such bother is met with only insults. Insults for which i have rebutted many a time.

If i were to be left standing in the garden i could be beaten thrown and torn, but i would know, as long as i held out, i would then be admitted to the temple

But here, i could watch as the snow builds up around my shins, and still never know if waiting will achieve anything

I am but a novice, waiting to become a master

I am a novice without a teacher

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Skull and Cross-Swords

sometimes, when i look down at that tattoo, i think, what a lie. What a lie its is i tell myself that there are certain sins i have committed for which i will never be forgiven for.

Oh how easy it is to believe in a god that can take all those sins away
Of course that helps very little in the mortal realm

But today, these past few days when i look down i only see what it is, the friends ive lost, the love i will lose and the people who will never forgive me for the sins i have done

It is unfair to ask it of them, and i know that wishing such will only lead to more suffering

Still i want to pack up and just drive away

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


I knew this path would be alone, and sometimes, im glad, other times all i wish for was for someone who shared my path.

but i know damn well that i cant have that

Its all good

Monday, January 09, 2006

Moment gone

Sometimes your put into a situation, that really has no andswer. We assume in this world because of linear western thinking that there is a right way, and a wrong way and those are our only options, thusly we lock into thinking there IS an andswer, i just havent found it yet.

Ultimatly i find this to be untrue, some questions were just meant to not have andswers. For example, if someone were to ask me what the meaning of life way, WHY ARE WE HERE, a burning question in all of our minds, even the athiests who have said we are only here by a massive series of coincidences, still sometimes will have this question pop into their head, but the andswer is that, it is not the proper question, it is not our place to know what our purpose is here. That is an andswer you must find for yourself. And of course i could say, "it is to farm the holyiest of vegtables, the squash" and i could start a cult based on the teachings of the holy squash and how god decreed long ago that was the purpose he created the earth for, but would you believe it? Is there really any andswer out there thats acceptable to the great question? We are all looking for something more profound than, because your an animal, and you have to further your species, and then deny that we created another purpose behind our actions, which is to have compassion and love others, and STILL many people go unsatisified, and they will foerever go unsatisfied as that there is no concrete andswer to that question.

It is for you to decide, but sometime your going to run into a question, that really, has no andswer.

Often times someone will say "listen to your heart!" only to be rubuted by "YOUR HEART LIES! listen to your mind." This is of a similar problem in nature as the previous question. You have to listen to both, and allow them to balance each other out, the heart alone is too rash, but the mind is too logical, you need the peace brought by the both of them to truly understand what is going on within you.

Saturday, January 07, 2006


Ultimatly it is when we become concerned with the concept of ourselves is it that we start suffering. Though you may have this image of what "you" are, in reality you is only the collaborative fiction of your past that you have created for yourself, and is a convient label for such matters. To imagine yourself as a single entity rather than a peice of the entire universe is when you will start the suffering.

Suffering, pain, hate and anger are all the same as drugs and can be used accordingly. It is easier to feel sorry for yourself for being alone in this world than it is to seek out someone to be with. But of course today, the self pity might in fact bring you the attention of a girl seeking to mend some broken hearted boy or vise versa, but this is completely counter productive. No one can play a card of suffering forever, less you find more and more to suffer about. It is only our desires that cause such suffering.

For example, it is normal to desire a life mate, or a car, or a new baseball glove, whatever, and most people will be able to achieve the mans to procur most of these items through work and dedication, but once we achieve the desired means we ultimatly become unhappy with what we have as that we compare it to those that have a better looking life mate, or a faster car or a shiney autographed glove, it is the eternal unrest with material possesions and lifestyles that will ultimatly cause suffering. Thusly it is important to recognize that this is reality, and this is the one life you are given and you are not given a past or a future for these are only ideas or stories and ideas, only a rapidly changing series of moments in which to live in.

We spend most of our lives trying to live in fast forward, cut through all the boring parts so we can get to the end of the movie that is our life, but at the end, you miss all the character building, plot building, and your left with and ending that makes no sense and your unfufilled. So it is important to stop trying to fast forward our lives and take it slow through what may seem unimportant, as that when it comes down to it, when its your time to leave this world once and for all (some of you may have been fooled into believeing theres an afterlife) your going to wish you hadnt spend so many years staring at a TV or drowning in a bottle of booze with awesome nights of love and comrodery, that you cant remeber so well, or just high sitting there useless ok with all that is wrong with your life.

On another similar note, we often think that if we help OTHERS our own life will be complete, and this is partly true, granted when we have attained a state which we feel fufilled then all that should be left is a desire to help others achive your status, but it is important to take note of your own life first, you can try saving the gorilla mutant bush loving nazi's from burning the rainforest but first, try and just keep your toilet running and your fridge full of sustiance.

Friday, January 06, 2006


They tell me this shit is supposed to make me better, make me fit in with society better

Then why does it make me feel so alienated?

Someone tells you, YOUR fucked up, and you need these pills to make you normal, i promise it will make you better

What the hell is so wrong me? Why can't i do these things everyone else can, at least without these fucking pills, i made it 19 years, i can at least make it another 19

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


Its almost impossible to scribe the line of thoughts that have come across my mind these past couple of days, its been at about double the speed of normal because i am trying to follow the Zen ideal of questioning everything, playing advocate to my everything thought, trying to find the balance that might be this illusion of elightenment.

One of the great things i read today: Being angry is like sitting in a bathtub, thrashing about, wondering why your face and arms are getting wet.

One of the great poetic thoughts of today: I do zazen everytime i look into your eyes

I did Zazen, for real, for the first time today, it was interesting, they say that if you really like it, you will only burn yourself out on it, and if you hate it then you are more likely to benefit from it. I was neutral, it wasnt GREAT, nothing really more than i would get out of my thoughts from walking, although it was more painfull and annoying, but it wasnt that bad. Tonight i explored desire, and saw the balance between love and hate, love is a silly syntheic emotion, i once thought i was enlightened when i was rolling for my first time and realized i loved everyone, love is the opposite of hate, it is not nessisarily better, its kind of like a stimulant, for a while you will feel like the world is yours, but you are only to be dissapointed when the feeling fades away, you have to find the balance between that, and the unfound circular anger.

Also, im probably very sexually frustrated, but then again what teenage boy isnt?

Im still wrestling with this concept of no self that is concurrent throughout buddhism, god is everything, everything is enlightenment, i am god, i am nothing, there is no self

its great how open buddhism is about its hypocracy

there is seriously SOOOOOO much i want to say, i could go on forever, so im going to have to cut myself off, but the concept of time, is a very confusing thing, but think on this, there is no past, just the histories that we have created to explain our concept of self, and history is only as true as the history books

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


So many new thoughts

So many new mondos

Its seriously changing my whole outlook on life

A promise between friends is sacred, a promise from authority is a lie.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Sometimes when you just dont know what to do, the easiest thing to do is say fuck it all

well you get one life, this can be your heaven or this can be your hell

but either way, we are imperfect, and thus as a result everything we do will be imperfect, our relationships, our jobs, our friends, our lives, nothing can be perfect

it is the desire for perfection that is the essecense of suffering


The weirdest part is coming back, and having to tell everyone what happened.

Alot of people just dont believe it, but understand its typical for someone to attempt suicide after a seeming bout of things getting better. After talking to the doctors and nurses and mental health sheriffs (thats right, they exist) maybe ive been wrong about medication for all this time, from what it seems it can really help me, so thats probably the direction ill be going in. Not permanent, but the medication, when used in conjuction with therapy can work. The worst part is the hypocracy of me making fun of every suicidal emo punkass out there, and yet at the same time spending my new years in some sort of melodramatic nightmare at the ICU in St. Davids.

Whatever it is, i do have some serious issues that i need to deal with, alot of it ive just put aside as being "emo" or whatever but in all seriousness id rather have a solution than a macho headtrip.

Jew-I fucking love you, you might very well have saved my life
Mindy- You make me feel like shit when im around you, go away

everyone else that reads this? is there anyone else?

Sunday, January 01, 2006

The End

You dont get what you want
I dont get what i want

No ones happy

The End