Thursday, April 26, 2007


Theres a great many things i dont understand. I keep being reminded of Pat saying, theres an important reason you say shit like that, humans cant be held accountable for all their actions. Yet it seems ive made a lifelong habit of being accountable for all of mine. I feel the need to, its as if my honesty has been this compulsion to make sure everyone knows every mistake ive made, and that doesnt ever seem to work in my favor, but i view the opposite as lying. Perhaps that false front we all put up, and i try so hard to tear down is there for a reason, life is simply easier that way. Drugs confuse me alot too, alot of my current problems stem from two stubborn ideas i placed in my head with Mindy, never quit drugs because a girl tells you to, because he asking shows a lack of understanding, and that if you have to quit, there is something wrong with you. I refuse to quit because quitting is accepting that im a junkie, and ill be damned before i admit that again, I know its not true, it just relates back to the aformentioned, where i feel this need to confess all my problems, take all my punishment. Meagan troubles me more than anything. I feel like with her, that im in race, or rather at the starting line, and i know the prize is something i want, and theres people in the crowd who i need to impress, but thats another problem, but the gun fires and i have no idea which direction to run, and everyones yelling at me to go, but that doesnt help at all, like a child again, confused on the playing feild, feeling the impending shame because it seems so obvious to you after its all over, with dad standing over you telling you how dumb it was and how dissapointed he is in you. So fucking obvious after the fact, so confused then. I hate that she calls me weak, and i hate that she calls me selfish, i hate all the hypocracy in our relationship and i believe it is what drives me to do the dumb shit i do more than anything else. I really dont feel i do all that much wrong, i fucked up majorly once, but for the most part ive worked really fucking hard, to do everything i know to do to make a successfull relationship, and she claims to have all this pain and whatnot, but really ive been the glue thats held us together from the start. Im just troubled i suppose, it seems like with mindy, and with what i can tell, meagans ex's to her, that there were so many mistakes, and so much forgiveness, and so much forgetting, but now it never goes away, and not just her. I feel like my real selfish act is keeping her with me, i wonder sometimes, maybe it would be better for her not to be with me, but i think thats wrong because i spend so much effort trying to make her happy and for the most part being a good boyfriend, signifigantly better than those i see around me, except for tommy, with the exception of his clingyness and fear he was perfect. I admire Tommy for so many reasons i cant even count them all, he has such a great outlook on life most of the time, and his uses anger only when its appropriate and he just always seems to be polite and doing the right thing, and i want to be like that, but i guess thats not me, i dont know if im this troubled fucked up kid or if thats just what i want to be, all ive read about this semester in what seems like every class except literature is that you are what you think you are, and if you just think differently you will be so. Logically then it seems like i just dont think that way. Spending time admiring is not wasted, but i shant spend it wishing, i have my advantages, i think i do sometimes. I know i can love, and i know i can write, and i know i can be a good friend sometimes, but i really wish meagan would realize how unattractive i am, she seems to worry so much about other people wanting me or whatever and its just not the way it is, lord knows why she thinks im attractive, lord knows how we've stayed together this long. THIS IS NOT LIKE ME at all, to do what ive done for her, to be the first to apologize, to do all the things i do for her daily, without thought, that i would and have never done before, which is why i almost have to keep myself from laughing, but moreso from crying when she says i cant change, she doesnt even have a clue what the change is i did for her, the decision i made nearly 8 months ago when i told myself i wasnt going to fuck this one up. I kinda screwed that up, and who knows if this will work out, I REALLY have faith that we can make it if we make it till summer,. till we make it to when we can acually be together, and forget all this. Well have her forget it, i hope to never forget it, and i dont think i will, if anything, Meagan is the proof of that i learned my lessons from Mindy, because those mistakes i made with her i never made with Meagan, i suppose except for the broken promise, but that just leads to drugs which is a whole nother question. I think i play it up to much, on one hand i want to be this tortured junkie, on the other i want to be strong, but most of us are divided anyway. This is more therapeudic than poetry could ever dream to be, just straight talk with myself, the inner dialouge coming out on paper, or screen rather. The meditation today was so calming, and its been so long since ive done it, and i really need to do it again, because when i was mediating, i was calm, and when im not im just irrational, and unhappy and really unaccountable. That was what the lotus was all about, and i keep forgetting it, i keep thinking i need ot change it, but i dont need to change it, i need to remeber it, i dont need to change for meagan, i need to remeber what i have forgotten, and with that, im reminded because it feels like im back in the car, i knew which way to run, but when the pressure was put on, when i had people counting on me, i blanked, i always fail when people are counting on me, and i hate it so much, that self loathing, was there before any of this, and still is, i feel like alot of people are being torn between two poles, but are they as torn as i am? its impossible to tell, its impossible to tell anything, fuck, i bet right now, meagan is struggling to smile and be nice to some cunty customer, thinking of how horrible it feels to be fake...which brings me back, why i have to take all my mistakes, because it feels horrible to be fake, i guess some people can hack it, like how some people can cheat, and some people can steal, but i just cant do that shit. Like all good druggies i can experiment, but i cant be an addict, i dont have the amoral consitution, and so i need to quit treating myself like i dont. Somehow its all related back to when i was dealing i feel like, i was so fucking repressed, always hiding my motives, intentions, emotions, being hard, being tough no fear, no matter what, and no its like im an emotional mess, like all that institutionalization has come undone because i suppose im lucky to have never been institutionalized in a hard way. Always having to take a taste. Fuck me, i feel so exasperated, the anaology is so perfect, because it feels like i need to do something right now, but i havent for the life of me got any idea what it is, every turn looks so uninviting, normally id just go into self destruction here, i can feel it, but that part of me has been long repressed in the last month as much as school has made me question shit, the combination of school and the mistake has taught me how to control that self destruction which i am more greatfull for than anything else. But that could just be today, who fucking knows, i was so close to killing myself when i was dissociated, and no one even knows, but then again thats the nature of dissociatives, because to be fair i could never have even known. The worst feeling ever is the feeling that im being selfish by keeping Meagan, like with Mindy, that i just kept staying there, and things got worse and worse, because i couldnt man it up enough to hurt them. But who knows where that girl is, she could be miserable right now. Its going to be very intrestering to see how my metaphorical car ride turns out.

"So Freud was right"

I can't help but feel im stuck in a prophetic dream

In a hospital you sit across me, in denial
Platlets dry on my skin, brown, but thats no ones worry
You scream at me to alieviate your sickness
Inadvertantly spitting a bitter powder that collect
Into a clean pile, on the glass table that seperates us
You, well aware of my love of bitter powders
But yet forgetting that its been years since ive loved
The poetic beauty in laying awake all night
Curious as to if my heart arythems are fatal or not
I moved past that years ago, and only in my concious memories
Can i find patience to let the blood flow
You tell me the free cells, fighting and dieing is only my fault
Yet i vigoursly maintain that the only blood on my wrist
Has been from broken knuckles and cut fists
Inside my mind, i call you veiled, raging fire
Incinerates all chance of whatever escapes my mouth
How does a fire burn atop glass in a sterile setting
Oxygen rich enviroment, most likely answer

You forgot how the challenger became a tragedy

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


Years after the axe comes down, my prophecy fufilled, your self realized, you will see me on the stage, in that display you claim to hate, of course you never appreciated what it was that i wanted to be appreciated for, never speaking in absolutes, nevertheless starved for sex appeal slowly eating myself from the inside out, highest mortality rate, killing myself in the delusion that if i were only slightly more appealing then all would be settled and you would love me eternally, because no matter how deep i dive i can never shake the feeling that this is all just so shallow, we are all just so shallow, venturing into the grown up pool, three feet deep, discussing how scary IT WOULD BE if your feet didnt touch the bottom, and im not going to lie, ill say i swim in the deep end, but i only swim beneath the bulkheads in mock suicides, scaring only the lifeguards, meth life, stay awake, not for the high, for the paranoia, i know you love it so, i know you love those mascara boys so, i know you love it all so, and you just deny deny deny deny, like we all do, cause we all lie, we all have those faces we never show, and those masks, closet kept, we love to know that they are there for us, for when we need to lie, love, hook up, cry, comfort, die, or just risk it one more time in some hallucinogen existential meltdown, battered wife, two black eyes, and your drunk again, telling me dont make me tell you again, cause i wont listen, because i cant hear you through the slurs, counting down the nights as i say i wont take one more.

Dopamine Hangover

Left so fast like a morning storm, thats gone before you wake
But left the streets still flooded, drowning your waking joy
Chemistry answers the questions in my mind
Providing me with an explanation to satisfy the vortex
But i thought somehow i was above this, beyond this
I thought we all, were above and beyond these dopamine answers
Never having taken my emotions for more than annoyances
Perhaps these latent answers are just voicing themselves loud enough
Tired of being left in the back of class with their hand raised
Still to me, seems somewhere south of childish
Punch drunk destruction rages, lymbically driven, mothers divison
This is my dissoance, this is my question, raised too many times before
But never in the clear voice of the heavens has it been spoken before
And so i revert back, to the start of all this, lapis lazul menagerie
Seeking for those to have the control i can never have myself
Still, 20 years later, looking for that lost sense of control
Memories spring forth, never met a junkie without control issues
But i know that is only the word haunting me, as it haunted me before
I slew that ghost, anxiety implosion, and i know now this is normalcy
Or these are the lies i use as antihistamines, secondary functions to a primary purpose
I thought as the literary allusions send a cold chill down my spine
That i was being reborn, through symbolism, but there is no rebirth
Only forgiving yourself, and deluding yourself
My rebirth showed my what started this all, marks tried to cover
Ended in vanity, illusions and obsessions, turned destructive
But there was no recourse then as there is no recourse now
Moving foward, awaiting the axe, this is no way to live
But id much rather die to pretend i didnt learn from my mistakes

And its as if with the rebirth i felt the phoenix inside me rise
Surfacing hate bubbling over causing a new red tide
That weight suddenly seems so much more capable to bare
And where does that leave you, me, anything or anyone

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Exacerbating Clinical Problems and their relation to Genetics

I wish i could say when i hear that oh so common tone in the early hours
That my heart jumped with jubilation, and often i feign it so as i respond
But often as I answer i hear that slightly dropped tone, and your own sublte lie
It never takes long, i can tell by the false front of libido
You must hate yourself when you want me, because it always seems to preceede the start
Stonewalled from the start, cursed if i try to defend, what you lack in logic
You make up in tactics learned from your own house, sublte is not the key word
I never know whether to fight or run, either way it never ends until your done

and it never seems to be done

Too many times ive laid down against what i felt was RIGHT
Morals you claim i don't have because of a past mistake
Let's recollect your mistakes and compare them to mine
Let's juxtapose your heart with mine, competition is the voice of love
You are too gone to know that your taking my legs out from under me
chopping away slowly with a dull axe, and its curious to know
whether you lean on me, or no, i imagine you don't even know
I want to say wait for the blackout, but your constitution is strong

Mounting frustrations surrmounted by that morning after

When your clear cut voice apologizes, and speaks of true love
Truly i feel as if dealing with a Jekyl and Hyde, no suprise
The truth is the most hurtful thing i could say, and so far its withheld
And undoubtly will be forever, theres no reason to bother to tell
No, that is not me, that is my own Hyde speaking, my own swift cane
Supression was never my intention, and neither was pain
I wish i could speak of this as if it were a new revalation, but alas
Its not, nothing new, new subjects on old paragraphs, analysis?

You know the problem as well as I, treatment, abstiance, denied

Now im only drawing lines in the sand, 200 miles away from you
Debating as to which one should be the one i said i just drew
Sadly, and perhaps for the benifit, ill never pick just one
But draw pentagrams, while i slip off to troubled, frustraded dreams
(Slip as in the action that precedes the fall, not the gentle folkway)
Dream of you, and hope those things you said were not true
Maybe thats the part that hurts the most, that truth comes out with drink
Mutual cutting preceeding masturbation, a masochists dream

But i have since forsaken, that particular lie, my dreams still await me

So many meanings to the word lye

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Last race

Your too beautiful for me
I knew that the first time i saw you on the screen
youve deluded yourself into me

youve got a funny way of showing off your bathroom surgery
i dont know if i ill ever understand the look behind those eyes

maybe theres just something wrong with me
a reduction of the 5-htp
those easily overlooked effects that i said id never care about again

give me those invincible days for just a second and i wont spend these days seeking to numb my wayward thoughts, give me that old excitement, that you could never quell, regression was yesterdays word, for todays, ill have to yell

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

so filled with confusion, hate and love
i have no idea what to do anymore
i dont know whats real

i never knew who i was

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

fuck sleep

I want to delete everything
I want to delete all of this right now
Self loathing peak?

Fuck you

Friday, April 06, 2007

Poetry is supposed to make you look dark and cool

Shes my cuddlebunny
And im not ashamed of it
comfort contact so perfect
never will i find a better fit

Shes sweeter than cupcakes
Getting blasted in your face
so delicious, pink frosting
but never with any mal-ace

Her eyes are brown, but never plain
like a brilliant mica stone
full of infinite colors
I look to them and know im home

Its easy to fall in love
with a girl such as this
ill stay with her forever
when im away, dreaming of her kiss

Thursday, April 05, 2007


Love everything, more than i could ever ask for

My only question left is if i can ever be what she deserves, ill have to try like hell, but ill always fall short and be happy to do so

Supercharged Emotions

We say in addictions that drugs are to be thought of as the equivelant of superpowered emotions. Yet right now i feel worse than if i had been on a 4 day meth binge, i have never in my life felt this tired, worthless, and unwilling to go on. Even now, i feel like it would be so much better to just crawl into bed and die, i cant even walk around campus without fighting back a flood of tears, i cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant think,

maybe the action itself was the suicide and this is all just the fallout, slow acting poison

Object Permanence

I drove and drove and drove
and never went anywhere
circular logic for cycles of emotion
its too easy too get too depressed at this stage

No poetry, no prose, its time for just a straightforward with yourself. You have all this self-loathing and you thing thats going to redeem you, like someone can see WOW he really hates himself, that means hes a decent person, no, a decent person doesnt do that in the first place

but wait it was a mistke? doesnt everyone make mistakes? or do decent people just not make mistakes

damn my honesty

damn all this fucking hate

damn now, being the time we need to acually see each other, and being 200 miles apart, the distance isnt hard, id drive it everyday, unfortantly somepoint id flunk out of school, and have spent all my money on gas

but ill tell you whats going to happen, without me, without the connection whose range has fallen due to a series of unforseen consquence, and believe me, they were unforseen, things are going to fall about, doubt it going to rise and for fucks sake i cant even lend my voice to drain some of it away, everyone fucking hates me in my homeland so i drove north, i found the new feilds unsuitable for tilling and now im fucking homeless

mostly i want an answer for myself, and i dont think ill be able to give myself one, and thus returns the self-loathing, goddamn, no less than 7 hours ago i felt redeemed, as if it anything were possible as if forgivness, the truest form of love had reigned, and yet here im am with it all seeming to amount to a little more than a handfull of salt. I know in my head that these cycles will lengthen out, making them easier to cope with, and eventually rid themselves and i can move it to the learning experience folder of my head, but this one isnt going as fast as all the others. from someone who doesnt "get" self mutilation i sure cut myself deep, im bleeding black, i think i knicked the liver, we'll know in 20 minutes

dissoance is the word of the day

sleep it seems will never come easy, not for now

i need to confess to someone, i need some unconditional love right now, i need to feel like i am still decent and worth loving, notions of god seem more realistic but ill be fucking damned if ill pray for myself, others sure, but i refuse to pray for myself

like a fucking relapsing alcoholic, it feels good to fail and be hated again, its comfortable, you dont have to expect much and you dont have to do anything, just know everyone around you sees you for what your labeled as, because lets be honest, you are what your labeled as. (Stop trying to fucking romance the situation, stop trying to rationalize, stop trying to understad, there is nothing to be sought in what you seek)

if she can never love me like she used to, is there a point? is this really forever? are mistakes forever and love temorary? if thats true theres no way in heaven you can keep me here in hell a second longer