Actions speak louder than words

You can say whatever you want, all you want, but at the end of the day, your going to acually have to do something, its this same sort of apathy that killed our relationship in the first place.

on another note

The long dead art of courting needs to be revived, the system in which we have now for finding a mate is so bloody innefficient it makes me sick. Dates were at one time a fairly harmless act, you simply found someone you thought was attractive and not a bitch, you participated in activitys for a few hours and if you liked each other then you might do it again sometime.

When was the last time you ever something like that happen?

The standard today is get FUCKED up, hook up with someone, and if it was good or you werent really that fucked up you just thought the person was nice, you might get a phone number. Its terrible how many people i know that wont hook up with a person, or sometimes even talk to them without the assistance of some kind of substance..bahh the whole concept of love is dead, i know its emo as hell to say something like that, but hear me out. Maybe its just cause im still young and us young-uns are supposed to only be looking for sex and love later, doesnt make it seem any more wrong.

Calvinball

Calvinball is by far the greatest game ever invented. It is played by starting with a ball of any sort, and then simply making up the rules as you go along.

Theres no preset way you have to go, no formula you have to follow, its the ultimate in impromtu gaming, the blues scale of the football feild.

Granted most Calvinball games will have their fights over conflicting rules but that is only part of the awesomeness of the game

I say this, because i hate it when people have in their heads a certain way things are supposed to be, and refuse to believe it could be anyway but the way they have in their heads. Throw those people into a good game of Calvinball and watch them cry when they lose because the golden rule of Calvinball is that any rule made before another rule, overides it.

Vey

Your blindly following rules to a game that you dont know how to play. Im not sure how much clearer i can make this, but i was never willing to play. I have more or less been tricked, not through coersion, but though guilt, into giving you exactly what you want. You act like you are in so much pain, when indeed it is you getting exactly what you want. You are just annoyed and scared and confused when i ask for more. Why am I left with this feeling that you are holding something back? When i told you, I knew your andswer and wished not to play any longer, you fought tooth and nail to keep me around.

In the end, it is only a matter of time, however, i am to believe that your concept of time is skewed. It is insulting to me to be told "We would work out perfectly...later"

And you obviously how no idea what an insult it is to be told this.

Just dont think about it, it will all go away, it will all work itself out, i dont have
to do anything.

Its cute how we lie to ourselves and call it hope

U

Give up, go home, you pussy

Final Emo Post of the Year Hopefully

What the hell is so hard about this shit. Its so obvious and simple and yet you cant seem to make up your mind. Maybe i was wrong this whole time, I could never love someone who was so damn passive. IF YOU DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH ME, JUST FUCKING TELL ME. Im not some naughty child who will throw a temper tamtrum. Im sick of this, im sick of being this little overemotional bastard. But thats it, its over now. Im not gonna play any more games with this bitch, there is no future. You probably just lost the greatest thing will ever happen to you, and yet you dont seem to care at all. Fuck You. You dont like it when i say that? too bad. Fuck you again. Ive held back alot in this journal cause of you and no more shall i hold it back. You are the selfish asshole i said your not to make you feel better. Im sick of this shit, expect a deletion of this things soon. Put em on paper where they belong, theres only the two of your that read this anyway.

Catharsis

The days of repeated boozing are starting to catch up with me

My mind is slow and toxic

Exploration

I really want to explore every facet of humanity. Not study it and break it down into its components so i can later tell someone else. But experience it. I want to see what it is to be the psychotic raving homeless man as well as the skag addicted wall street broker. Blue collar construction worker to souless marketing manager. I just want to see what it all is.

These holidays are fucking depressing though, ive never been depressed by the holidays, but just this year, its killing me, i need some serious R and R before i blow a fuse.

Even when i do have a chance to relax I just can't catch a break or turn off my damed mind, one of those things will always manage to keep me from really enjoying whatever time off I have from my responsibilities.

My desire to become a raging holidy drunk wanes

The Primal Screamer

I cant tell if reading this book is therapudic, or anti-therapudic, either way its bringing up alot of what i thought were once dead emotions.

unlrelated, the feeling of that im just drudging along, day by day till the shit storm hits, has returned

Sometimes

You can make a pseudo-analogy for life with anything involving baseball. Observe

Sometimes life throws you a stray pitch, and you get hit in the knee and get to take your base, but goddamn does your knee hurt.

Life is like trying to catch a fly ball at a night game, its so much harder because of the lights, and you play at night because they can make more money off of it.

You could go on forever

I think the point is, I hate baseball analogies

Haunted by your thoughts

That phrase, haunted by your thoughts, making alot more sense now. I did like 5 pages of freewriting yesterday between exams and some interesting things came out. Freewriting a new curious exploration of mine. The words aren't just flowing like they were yesterday.

Its fucking Christmas break so I'm not gonna let this shit drag me down. Its almost shamefull how often i will be freewriting these days and catch myself on the verge of a sentence that could just as easily be a lyric to another one of those "destroyed by a girl" broken hearted love songs. But they never seem to quite make it to the paper. Ive seen that happen though, Patrick, over 40 years old and still hurt from some bitch in college. I won't let that happen to me. Of course ive learned to build up the barriers after the years. This shits insane and i want to just forget about it. Its not like i WANT to stay up at night just replaying my own skewd perceptions.

I've found myself getting more and more bitter these days, except when I'm with my friends, they sure do know how to make me feel alright. I swear i could be having the worst day in the world and I go to see them and i just feel great. Its wonderful to have friends like that.

I have alot of contradicting thoughts.

Oi!

This anger and frustration is a gift. It keeps me going, keeps my head on straight. Gives me the fuel i need to carry on when i know i dont want to.

After 19 years, you learn to control it, to use it.

I want to say FUCK IT ALL, like i usually do. But this time, i just cant bring myself to, i really just can't. Its increased its value and i cant bring myself to throw it away.

Now you get to play the game of what "it" is, and there are multiple correct andswers

I bite my lip in remeberence of you

I cant think straight, i lack the attention span to meditate, my attention spans galaxys

I've lost all the time that I have in this world
I spent it unwisely, unwisely you see
And I can't get it back and I can't move forward
I'm broken and I'm empty, it's over for me
If I could undo all the wrongs that I've caused
Fall to my knees, pray for swiftness and just
For I'm just a fool, a fool driven to dust
And the world ain't gonna change for me


So give me one more chance to prove these problems and frustrations
Aren't just manifest in memories we're destined to repeat
A second chance to prove I know right from wrong
I swear I'll do things different but can't promise to be strong

So come on all you losers, you bastards and cheats
Vagrants and barflies down on the street
Follow this path to salvation, vindication awaits
We're marching on East Broadway street tonight

If you could look into this old face and try to see the young man
I swear I once was pretty, not the monster you now see
But I squandered all my chances, lost my faith and took for granted
This life and precious one chance, the whirlwind I'll wreak

If I could undo all the wrongs that I've caused
Fall to my knees, pray for swiftness and just
For I'm just a fool, a fool driven to dust
And the world ain't gonna change for me


-Why say it when dropkick murphys already said it for me

100th Post

Ahh, im in the zone. You know what the zone is, its when youve had about a week, sometimes more, sometimes less of just overwhelming amounts of stress or work or both or whatever and the workload just doesnt bother you anymore, anything seems possible, probably because youve managed to cram so much into your previous days.

Its a nice return to my more usual optimism than the brooding emo travis that has been making himself shown around here, very pleasant.

Im just glad i managed to clear my head before finals week, or maybe my head cleared itself knowing finals are coming, either way, its rough talking to people at ACC cause everyone there is uber stressed out right now, christmas in combination with having to pay bills (some of them) and finals and realizing its going to be a photofinish with their grades at the end of the semester. I really dont understand why some teachers at ACC are so rough, other than maybe they are just bitter they are teachers at ACC. I was blessed with having 3 very laid back teachers but with talking with friends and student i find that most arent.

Its amazing

Its amazing how your whole day, sometimes whole view on life can be shifted merely by a wink or a second glace from a beautiful women

Just to know that you are desired can put a spring in a mans step

Approaching 100 posts

Approaching the 2 year aniversary since my last arrest
Cant stop thinking about it

Its like everything else, even though i know that im gonna be alright, or i think im gonna be alright. I just dont like it when no one can give me a straight andswer.

"well if this that and the other happens, then maybe this will happen, and of course this is always a possiblility, i dont know you, we will just have to wait and see." <- Seems to be the response for every question i ask these days

"Well what do you THINK the outcome will be, all of what you said considered?" <-- the question i never get andswered

Its nothing im not capable of dealing with

anxiety

What the hell is it about night that seems to bring every anxiety and fear to surface in your mind. Its like the child that stays awake at night thinking the knife weilding maniac is on the other side of his door, in reality he knows that there is no knife weilding maniac, but that doesnt allow him to sleep more soundly, or start habitiually locking his doors, or leading to the point where at the age of 32 still sleeps with a gun under his pillow. Of course in the morning its all safe, everything is gone.

My anxietys are like that childs knife weilding maniac

itd be alot easier to sleep, if you didnt know that its all "based on a true story"

I never sleep well on sunday nights

Top ten reasons to turn off your cell phone when drinking

What if i could go to sleep for days
would you count the hours
or would your restlessness console the fading memories of me

I hate it when cliques are right

If you truly love something, set it free

Fat Rant, continued

People today, want quick results, we think we live in some massivly advanced era from 20 years ago and as a result we deserve to have everything we want now.

Up untill a few weeks ago i would have fit nicely into the category above

For Todays Analogy, im using health

If your fat, yes you can live your whole life being out of shape, but you miss SO much more of life that way. The people that ive found are the happiest people, are those that get out from in front of the TV (fat or not) and go out and explore the world, not just hang out with friends but really go do SOMETHING, hunt fish with dynamite maybe, who knows, anything to just get out of infront of the idiot box. I find that when im hanging out with my friends, ill often stand opposite of the TV, and do my best to entertain them, and work them away from that damned idiot box. ANYWAY, got off track there. But lets say you just realized how much of life your missing by being out of shape, so you start to work out and get discouraged because your still fat and lazy and out of shape, but thats just it about working out, if you really understand you dont diet and excersise to lose weight so you can sit your ass on the couch looking pretty and skinny, it should be a long term commitment for overall increased quality of life. Proper diet and excersie can increase your lifespan, your energy, and i firmly believe just overall make you a happier person. So no matter how bleak it looks at first, if you just stick with it, it slowly gets better and slowy you will find you become something you can be more proud of.

All these things becoming clear to me in the winter of '05

Morning Dec. 9

Today is going to be a long shitty day of work, it ruins the good mood i woke up with, tonight should still be fun irregardless.

I despise how acceptable it has become to be fat, not just fat but morbidly obese. If you have a friend thats an alcoholic or drug addict, its ok to have an intervention, ney, encouraged. If you have a friend whos a smoker, its ok to constantly remind them how they are wasting their money and destroying their health for a fix they probably haven't gotten since their first carton. But if you have fat friend, oh dear lord, you better not say anything to them about it. I mean most of them are sensitive about their weight. First off WTF is sensitive about their weight, its not like its a goddamn terminal illness. If you dont eat foods high in fat and you take a walk around the block one a year I PROMISE you will lose the weight. I believe part of the problem is that we have a constant bonbardment of promises saying people will lose weight fast, 20 lbs 2 weeks, GUARUNTEED, and so when the tubbo's dont get this goal, they are convinced that "its just not for them" or maybe they have a glandular problem. Only 1 in about 1000 people is going to have a tyroid problem that would force them to be obsese, and even then most of these people could still lose the weight, it would just be harder for them. But like i said in "suburban survival guide" everyone thinks they are special, and all the fatasses out there are convinced they are the 1 in 1000 that has the glandular problem. Ive got a CURE-ALL-AMAZING diet, smoke meth constantly for about a month, youll lose the weight, youll look like deflated balloon, but youll be skinny!

On a completely unrelated note, im going to start selling meth

Christmas lights rule my world, they should be mandatory, fingers cut off of those who fail to put up their lights each year.

...more ranting to come

More Freewriting, i guess thats how this is, here on out

I wish i could be back in high school, but i guess every one wishes they could be back in high school at one point or another. I dont know if i would change what i did, or just enjoy it more. Its hard to tell.

I hate being confused, but i know this is my last chance, so ill do what i gotta do

thats what ive learned, ya just have to do what you have to do, for what you know is right

-*-

View my complete profile

Freewriting

Freewriting helps to pass the time, alot of things help, but nothing is permantent. But really nothing is permanent in this world anyway.

Fucking misery loves company, haha, Its nice to have someone to talk to who REALLY understands how it feels. No one really knows how it feels, till its happened to you.

Look at me, sounding all emo again, i really hate that i use that word so openly. Im sure they dont like it either, but i hate how you cant really be emotional or show any kind of negative feelings without being emo, or i guess thats just how it works in my head. Or they make you second guess when something is wrong, even if you know that it is, having a bunch of whiney fucking kids running around, crying about real problems they dont have...i dont know, i should get off this subject, im not making any sense.

Half the people i tell i want to stop drinking just laugh, it is kinda funny, ive been the biggest advocate for alcohol for as long as i can remeber it first touched my lips. And now its to the point where I dont want cocaine, i dont want booze, what the fuck happened to Travis a year ago.

What happened the past two years?

Timmys taking a break from drinking too, that makes it so much easier, he always knew how to make me take another sip when i knew it was time to go. This shit is pie

I like it when customers come in pissed, thinking they are gonna tell us off and whatnot, and we just wreck them with kindness. Wrecking someone with kindness is almost as much fun as wrecking them with a peice of rebar....almost.

As much as ive conquered my fears, im still worried about time. I mean its like as if at any moment i could go have to serve time, or get smashed up in a car wreck or whatever and i just have so much incomplete right now, it would suck. Of course this is an ever present problem, i dont know why its bugging me so much right now. Probably with my luck Mindy will says shes ready to date the day before i get setenced, oi, i wonder if i can get clemency for that.

Its all good though, i reread over this stuff and think, damn what a depressing tone, but honestly its written with the utmost optimism.

New Layout

Ive been thinking about the emotion sadness/depression, its a very queer emotion. It seems to me that sadness/depression's only purpose is to block you from doing what you need to do.
It makes sense when its associated with tragedy, but tragedy doesnt happen all that often

It seems like now more than ever, im coming to terms with my actions, growing up maybe? Is that what growing up is? realizing that everything you do effects who you are, and then putting your mistakes behind you? Its rough, i want to tell everyone FORGIVE ME i can change! and at the same time know i am not deserving of such things. But its a viscious cycle, why stop doing drugs, when everyone else only assumes that you are going to continue to use drugs, of course at the same time why should they believe you this time? youve done nothing to prove otherwise. It seems like theres no alternative out of these types of situations. Its not like drugs are the problem for me anymore, i just think it makes the most clear analogy.

That incident with cocaine really helped shape my thinking though, its like i finally got closure on that issue in my life. No, i take that back, I DID finally get closure on the issue of cocaine and my life. Its no longer a "demon" that haunts and taunts me, just another problem in my past, but its created who I am, and who I will be, and if i do things right, who my children will be.

Im starting to not be controlled so much by my emotions anymore, its good, but confusing, because i will be thinking one way and feeling the completely opposite way, but i guess its always been that way, just the power has shifted.

We had this debate once in english about what innocence was, and what it meant to lose that innocence, and what came up was, being innocent was just acting because its what you know and feel, from the surroundings your in and what little your parents have taught you. You lose that innocence when you begin to realize that what you percieve is not always what it is, and you choose your path. Thats kind of a queer definition now that i reread it. It makes sense, but at the same time doesnt.

My dad used to give me alot of advice, alot that i didnt listen to, and now of course im starting on the point in my life where i realize that most of what he said is dead on the money, but a couple of the statements stood out above the rest, one of which was "You dont know anything untill your 40." I have 21 more years to see if that ones true, but based on his last few bits of advice that i have found i SHOULD have taken, im guessing it will come out right too.